Its Only Illegal If You Get Caught!
by PervyMonk
Summary: Harry learns something new his 7th year...AU, Slash HPSBRL


….Chyes. 'Tis I, (El) PervyMonk. I have a fic! Muwahahaa. Its alternate universe and slash and while its mostly humor, there are some seriously Sirius parts. (lol name pun!) But seriously…it does have some drama. And Voldemort dies in the first chapter. Uncle Alby still stays dead though…_emo tear_ And I'm probably gonna push the PG-13 rating…Well, anyways..…I just have three things to say. It was late…I was tired…and you people don't write enough Harry/Remus/Sirius fics….

**It's Only Illegal If You Get Caught!**

_It had happened in the Department of Mysteries._

"_Are you going to kill me, Harry?" Voldemort rasped. "Well?" Harry hesitated. His wand was pointed at Voldemort's chest. He couldn't take a life, could he? Unbidden, thoughts of all this man-no-this **monster** had hurt. The lives he had ruined._

_Cedric Diggory._

_James and Lily Potter._

_Albus Dumbledore._

_Hell, even **Snape.**_

_Remus Lupin._

_Sirius Black._

_Harry Potter._

_Without a moment's more hesitation, he mummered the forbidden words._

"_Advadra Kedarva." (That's it, right? **Sweatdrop**) _

_Voldemort never made a sound._

"_Master!" A shrill voice screetched. Bellatrix fell to her knees beside her master._

"_Master!" She sobbed. She glared up at Harry. "Insolent little wretch! Filthy little bastard!" She snatched up Voldemort's fallen wand. "How **dare** you! You're dead! Advadra-" A man stumbled and tackled Bellatrix. She screamed and hit the ground. A black haired man had his hands around her throat. He growled like a feral dog. He choked her to unconsciousness and then let go._

"_I'll leave you to the dementors." He growled. Harry lowered his wand._

"_Si-Sirius?"_

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Harry twitched.

He was the damned bloody Boy-Who-Lived. This should **_not _**bother him! It shouldn't-!

"Remus!" But it did.

Oh, it did.

It wasn't because his friends were sitting with him in the parlor, Ron fidgeting and Hermonie blushing.

It wasn't because he was a bigot.

It was because he wanted **_in _**damn it!

"So..erm…nice day, isn't it?" Hermonie asked awkwardly.

("Harder!)

"Nice day for getting shagged." Harry answered bitterly.

("Ah!")

Ron choked on his tea. Hermonie blushed even more.

("Remus, oh Remus, please!")

"Not hard to tell who bottom is, eh?" Harry grinned. _If they keep going on like that, I'm going to need another shower._

"That's it!" Ron got up.

"Ron, where are you going?" Hermonie cried, flushed.

"I'm going to tell them to use a bloody silencing charm!"

(Series of loud moans and groans)

Ron stomped upstairs. Hermonie meeped.

"Has more balls than I do." Harry absent-mindedly flipped through a magazine. _Balls…damn._

("Sirius, ah-"

"CAST A BLOODY FUCKING SILENCING CHARM! WHEN I WANT TO HEAR YOU SHAG, I'LL TELL YOU!"

silence

"Shit…"

"THAT'S RIGHT! KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!"

"Hey, this is **_MY _**house, Weasley!"

"I DON'T CARE, BLACK! SHAG WHEN I'M NOT HERE!")

"Oh my…" Hermonie buried her face in her hands. Harry carelessly tossed his magazine aside and stood up.

"I'm going to take a shower."

"Harry, this is your third one today."

"…I smell really bad, ok?"

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

Dinner was an awkward affair that night. Remus and Hermonie blushed, Ron glared, Harry angsted, and Sirius grinned.

"So, 'don't wanna hear us shag', eh?"

"Sirius-" Remus started.

"Shut up." Ron told Sirius and continued eating.

"Did you learn something?"

"**_Sirius-_**"

"You know, little Weasling, you could give your mother a run for her money."

"Damn right I could. Wanker."

"Remus has a rather nice-"

"All right, when does school start you three?" Remus interrupted. Sirius grinned and winked at Harry, then looked down "innocently" at his plate. Harry cpuldn't help but grin.

" We know good and well when term starts, Moony. We're their professors now, aren't we?"

"Wh-what?" Harry choked. Ron groaned and Hermonie squealed.

"That's wonderful!"

"And it was supposed to be a surprise." Remus glared heatedly at Sirius. Sirius grinned sheepishly.

"Look whose not getting any tonight." _Gasp._

"Remus!"

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"_Harry_, _tell me. Do you know why you have detention?" Remus' silky voice mummered._

"_Yes, Professor…"_

"_Causing trouble in my class is unacceptable. You know that, don't you?"_

"_Yes, Professor…" Remus yanked Harry down into his lap by his tie._

"_I won't tolerate misbehavior." He bit down on Harry's neck. He mewled. "Well, Harry? What should your punishment be?"_

"_I-" _

"_I think it should be spanking." Sirius' voice suggested from by his ear. Remus arched an elegant eyebrow._

'_Really, Sirius?" Harry felt a sharp slap to his arse. He yelped._

"_Mmm…that's right." Sirius whispered. "Just like that…" Remus began undoing his shirt and…_

Harry woke up.

"Damn it!"

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

"Its great we're all on the train!" Hermonie gushed. Sirius grinned.

"Yeah."

"Chocolate, anyone?" Remus asked. Sirius pulled off his t-shirt and sighed contently. Harry diverted his eyes to the ceiling. Hermonie meeped and shut her eyes.

"Sirius!" Remus exclaimed.

"What? Its hot." Soon, all the lower years clustered around their compartment. Sirius noticed them. He grinned and winked. One of them fainted.

"Oh for the love of-" Remus stood and threw the door open. "That's it, everyone back to their compartments! Now!" He ordered.

"Damn…"

"What a shame…"

"Whose that guy? The yelly one?"

"That's Professor Lupin!"

"He's really hot too…"

"With two T's…"

"Think we can talk him into shedding his shirt too?" Remus stood like a brick wall. It was only after they all left that his blushed slightly.

"**_Sirius-"_**

"What?"

**XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX**

When they got to Hogwarts, Harry felt a twinge of regret when he saw the castle. It was going to be his last year. Sighing, he took a deep breath of welcomed fresh air. Hermonie and Ron got off the train, followed by Remus and Sirius.

("I don't care if it's hot, you can't just walk around shirtless in front of the students!")

After Sirius got a good telling off, they made their way to the castle.

"Firs' years! Firs' years over here!" Hagrid waved at them. They all grinned and waved back.

"Ay! Good ter see yer, Sirius! And yer too Remus!"

"Hey Hagrid!"  
"Hello Hagrid!"

"What about us?"

"Yer too, Ron!" The first years, after seeing Hagrid's kind disposition, grinned and flocked over to him. Harry sighed contently.

("Honestly, Sirius, its nearly winter. How could it be hot?"

"Are you still on about that, Remy?")

Yeah…it was good to be back.


End file.
